Infertility - A Heartfelt Plea from A Mother of Two
DEAR AMBER,
I have 2 beautiful children who are my world. My almost 3 year old is a fast learner, tender-hearted boy who plays so well with his little
sister, who is 18 months and the happiest girl around. Both are quick to laugh and smile, snuggle, and both are eager to learn. I feel like I'm a good mother in trying to devote the majority of my time and attention to their education, health, and well-being (emotionally, spiritually, and physically). My husband and I have always envisioned having more children.
A few months back I had my 5th miscarriage (over the course of my childbearing years), and about a month later we found out there is a very high chance we won't be able to have more kids. To be honest, when we first found out, I was very much at peace. I could envision our small family of four 10-15 years down the road and I could see that even though it wasn't what we envisioned initially, I could be ok with it if that was Father's will. Since that time, that peace I initially felt has slowly started to fade, despite me doubling my efforts in scripture study and prayer, temple attendance, asking for blessings from my sweet, tender husband, writing in my journal, and serving in my calling. I'm crying myself to sleep most nights because I could very well be done with the baby phase and I didn't even know it. I yearn to go
through labor and delivery again, nurse again, see my babies learn to roll, crawl, walk, talk, fold their arms, smile, etc. I miss those moments. I also find that I'm comparing myself to other moms, thinking that maybe I'm not as good of a mom as others if I "only have 2 kids." I find myself asking "Why doesn't the Lord trust me to have more children?" "My first priority is to my children and husband. Why is my desire to have more kids not being realized?"
How do I exercise more faith in God's plan for me? How do I not compare myself to other moms? How can I not feel like a "lesser mom" simply because I *only* have 2 kids? How do I feel secure in myself in a church culture where a lot of kids is almost an expectation of righteousness? Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated!
~ With love, Mommy of 2
Dearest Mommy of 2,
How tender are the hearts of mothers and how precious their desires to fulfill that role to it's fullest! How desperate we can feel when our hope turns to disappointment and even feelings of betrayal. The anguish seems almost incomprehensible and the feelings of loneliness like a wall of blackness engulfing us! My sister, you are not alone!
Your diligence in seeking Father through prayers and scriptures, through faithful service in your calling and temple attendance, brings promised blessings! "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say.." D & C 82. It is not always required that we exercise more faith, but sometimes that we are simply patient with the Lord and His timetable. Each of us left Home to experience what we personally needed to be able to reach our fullest potential. Similar to Scout Camp (earth), while all scouts go to learn scouting (godhood in our case) they don't all work on the same merit badges (trials). Each scout has an individual plan for their achievement.
When you left home, you planned out much of this life with our Heavenly Parents. Together, based on what you had learned prior to your mortal adventure, you faithfully sought their counsel in continuing your progress during this earthly journey. "What do I still have yet to learn?" "What experiences on earth will assist me to fulfill the measure of my creation?" These were questions that were asked and then answered as you prepared to gain a body and it's challenges. Those answers would come in the form of opposition and trials as you learned to seek out Heavens help in gaining tools to assist you in overcoming the trial and becoming the best you! It was beautiful and perfect in its design! Father is a God of order, and chaos and chance are not methods He utilizes. Here you are now, experiencing one of those trials. Believe that this is part of your personal plan! As you are obedient to the instructions that Father has given us to draw down the powers of Heaven, you will begin to see how this all comes together "for your good" as Joseph Smith promised us while he suffered greatly in Liberty Jail. "I will not leave you comfortless.." John 14. This is a promise by He who keeps all promises!
Years ago, while struggling with comparing my lack of self discipline to other women who seemed to easily say "no" to unhealthy food and "yes" to exercise, I sought the Lord out in desperation. He answered. I feel safe in sharing the answer He gave me as its truth is universal. These were His words to me..."Comparing with others is damaging. It is not MY WAY to compare. There is no power or pure growth that comes from comparing."
This was HUGE for me! I realized that Father sees me, just me, for who I am and He is never, nor will ever, compare me with any of His other daughters. If my ways are to be His ways, then I should never compare myself with any of his children either, especially because no pure growth comes from it. These are wise words that my father in law once counseled me with, "Your opinion of me is none of my business. If you compliment and flatter me it can produce a false sense of worldly self worth and unhealthily inflate a burstable ego. If you insult or scorn me, you could cause me to doubt my value and limit my potential." Each one of us are precious and separate in Fathers eyes. He sees only our beginning and our personal growth each step of the way. He also remembers our time with Him in the pre-mortal realms where we laughed and learned and trusted and grew! He wants you, individually, to succeed during this leg of the run! (track metaphor here).
He is caring over you and sends heavenly angels to assist you in your comings and goings. He NEVER looks at the sister next to you and says, "What about her?" The only example He asks us to follow is the trusted example of His Son, and our Savior was always about the worth of each soul as an individual! I truly believe that "comparing" is a tool of the adversary that "damns" our ability to see ourselves as Father sees us. ALWAYS ask Father to remind you of who you are. He is the only true source for this most powerful truth!
