#2 Light and Understanding About Sex -- The "Good Girl Syndrome"

AFTER MARRIAGE CHASTITY IS NOT ABSTINENCE

- And They Were Not Ashamed p. 10

What is "The Good Girl Syndrome"?

The Good Girl (or Boy) Syndrome is the view that sex is "bad," "wrong," or "sinful," and is immoral in every case including within marriage. This attitude can greatly hinder a married couple's progress, because the wife cannot relax. Discomfort with her own body leads her to feel awkward or unrighteous in the bedroom. She tends to see sex as a duty, and usually will still participate, but the couple's growth and emotional connection will be dampened. In more extreme cases, the wife may feel like sexual relations are only for the purpose of producing children, and not for enjoyment.

When a husband and wife are intimate, they should feel no shame, no awkwardness and no guilt. The desires placed within us by our Creator ARE holy and pure when acted upon by properly married couples.

When we are growing up, society, our parents, church culture, and friends all influence what opinion we form about our bodies and their sexuality. The news highlights sexual abhorrations and abuse is rampant. We can remember that the sensational is highlighted; many couples have intimacy that works. Intimacy has incredible power to strengthen a relationship.

Maintaining A Proper Perspective

Let's begin with a story. . . My BYU Marriage Preperation professor tells this story in his class, as relayed to him by a student named Annie (name changed). Annie's young woman's leader brought some china plates to church on Suday as a visual aid. During her lesson she explained how the china is symbolic of one’s purity. Part way through the lesson she smashed the china to make an impact on her young women and to drive home her point that one's purity is destroyed when you commit sexual actions before marriage.

Aside from being a really over the top object lesson, this type of emphatic teaching against fornication can prompt young women to extinguish sexual feelings all together, or to think that desires for intimacy come from Satan (not true!). The same enthusiasm that gets a girl to the temple morally clean could also carry a heavy price in her marital happiness and sexual fulfillment.

On the marriage night, it's suddenly "all systems go"; and for some "good girls," putting a lifetime of teaching out of your mind and overriding feelings that you are doing something wrong is nearly impossible. Laura Brotherson explains: "Shame is usually associated with sin, but shame continues to surround sexuality even when there is no sin. It can be very challenging in the marital relationship if spouses have a sense of shame, embarrassment, or fear of sharing their bodies as God intended" (And They Were Not Ashamed, p. 33). She continues, “In our attempt to keep our youth from committing sin, are we also hindering their progress as couples?”

“When teaching chastity or sexual abstinence, the message is often ‘Good girl’s don’t.’ This is true prior to marriage. However, the message should also be, that, once married, GOOD GIRLS DO!”

(And They Were Not Ashamed, p. 7)

Teachings About "One Flesh"

In the scriptures, we find seven verses commanding a husband and wife to be “one flesh.” The following verse further emphasizes that teaching: “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:24). “In other words, after blessing us with this physical desire, God then commanded us to follow through on those desires within marriage” (And They Were Not Ashamed, p. 9).

Satan Desires to Separate A Husband and Wife

In other accounts, the following verse reads “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 10:10; Matt 19:7). Sheri Dew teaches: “Look to the Lord and not to the world for your ideas and ideals about men and women” (Sheri Dew, It Is Not Good for Man or Woman to Be Alone, Conference, 2001). Satan and the world desire to twist something sacred, causing us to feel like sex is only what “bad girls” do. Sex within marriage should not bring about shame of any kind. Satan wants us to feel embarrassed about our bodies, criticizing our size or shape. We sometimes forget to simply be grateful that we have a body! Satan doesn’t have a body and he wants us to hate ours. Believe me, your husband thinks you are beautiful and he doesn’t see your flaws. You are sexy to him. Especially when you are confident in the bedroom! If you are feeling shame or embarrassment about sharing your body with him, it’s something you can work through. It may require a lot of prayer, but it’s worth it!

To Overcome the Good Girl Syndrome

1. Become aware of your own negative conditioning.

2. Ask, “Are there any parts of my body I am uncomfortable with?”

3. “How important is the sexual relationship in my marriage?”

4. “Is sexual fulfillment in marriage a worthy goal?”

Laura Brotherson has given many suggestions, these are only four. To hear more, check out her book And They Were Not Ashamed.

You may want to journal your answers, and, if you desire, share them with your spouse. Discussing your thoughts about sex with your husband can bring a lot of healing and help him realize where you’re coming from. The goal is to relax in the sexual experience and not have any fear of doing anything “wrong.” This relaxation will free you to experience that exultant ecstasy and to truly become one.