Turning Duty Into Desire: 7 Ways to Increase Your Pleasure

“According to Greek mythology, when Zeus and Hera went to the hermaphrodite Tiresias in order to determine who experiences more pleasure from sex, men or women, Tiresias responded, “If the sum of lover’s pleasure adds up to ten—nine parts go to women, only one to men.”

The clitoris has eighteen parts and 8,000 nerve fibers (almost twice as many as the penis), and more than any other place in the human body. The clitoris interacts with 15,000 nerve fibers that service the entire pelvic area.

The female sexual response is like a symphony; it has the potential for extraordinary sexual ecstasy. When tuned, warmed up, and played masterfully it blows away what men experience. We have an ability to have multiple orgasms that are much longer and stronger than our husband’s. It's just knowing how to get there . . .

Sex-- Take It Or Leave It?

Sexual frustrations, difficulties, and concerns are pervasive. “The estimated prevalence of sexual dysfunction in the general population is as high as 52 percent in men and 63 percent in women” (Nusbaum and Hamilton, “Proactive Sexual Health History,” American Family Physician, 1706).

More than 60,000 women contacted Ann Landers, a columnist, saying “emphatically that they far prefer being hugged and treated tenderly by men to having sexual intercourse with them.”

She asked women to respond “Yes” or “No” to the question, “Would you be content to be held close and tenderly and forget about ‘the [sex] act?’” Of over 90,000 responders an astounding 72% responded “Yes.”

It Shouldn’t Hurt

It’s been said that men are pretty much always in a state of sexual readiness, but women aren’t. We are like a slowly warming up iron. If there is enough lubrication, and there has been sufficient arousal, it should not hurt when he penetrates. This tip alone could help women move from a “duty” mindset to a mindset of desire.

1/Don’t Wait for Life to Be Perfect

If everything has to be perfect to have sex, we’ll wait weeks. Dan and I are learning to realize that we could have a fight that morning or the house could be a disaster, but we still love each other and are married. Allow sex to be part of everyday life. It’s not that sex saves your marriage, but preventing sex because your marriage/life isn’t perfect dooms your marriage.

2/Sex is a Decision

Ladies, we have to mentally transition away from cleaning the house and our “to-do” list. “I’m too tired,” or “I’m just not in the mood” are natural thoughts because women don’t feel sexual desire until we are turned on. Until then, simply decide to engage in the experience and then have faith that your feelings will follow. This allows the natural unfolding of the sexual response to begin.

3/ Take Time to Orgasm

The Sex in America Survey (1994) reported that less than 1/3 of women always have orgasms. However, “Among women whose partners spent 21 minutes or longer on foreplay,” 93 percent reached orgasm consistently (Kinsey, Masters, and Johnson). From what we read, it seems that almost all women can orgasm. So if you haven’t, just keep trying and maybe try some new techniques (also, make sure you are adding plenty of lubrication!). Sometimes a woman will need up to an hour to become fully aroused and ready (influenced by hormones, diet, and stress), but generally 20 minutes of foreplay is all that is needed for her to reach orgasm.

-- How long is too long to spend with your spouse?

The other day my mentor and I were talking “Never have I ever heard a couple come to me and say ‘we’re great in the bedroom and consistently have awesome sex, but we just can’t stand each other and want to get a divorce!’” It just doesn’t happen. When a husband and wife are giving to one another in such a selfless way, other problems seem to melt away.

4/It is Okay to Focus On Your Own Pleasure

To be sexually fulfilled there must be a healthy degree of self-focus, concentrating on your feelings and your body’s sensations. As you learn to embrace these feelings and go with the flow (make noise if it feels natural), the relaxation will enable you to experience the ecstasy that is intended by God. Do not hide what you are feeling from your husband; it gives him pleasure to know that he is a good lover. One husband said “even walking down the street I feel more confident knowing I pleasured my wife the night before.” “You cannot imagine the ecstatic thrills that come to a man when he sees his wife responding totally, enjoying every moment of their time together with a lovely abandon” (Wheat and Wheat, Intended for Pleasure, p. 113-114). Give him that pleasure by letting yourself focus on what feels good. Communcate, letting him know what is arousing, and be specific (e.g. “a little higher”).

5/Orgasm First

Several books suggest that the woman has an orgasm first (since she can have multiple), and then the husband and wife orgasm together. We’ve found this to be SUPER helpful.

I always orgasmed before but it wasn’t always very long and it wasn’t multiple times until we started learning about 1. more pleasure centers and 2. my arousal process. Things I could do or he could do to improve it. So we’ve started exclusively doing me first until I orgasm at least once.

6/Understand Erogenous Areas

The clitoris is an organ designed solely for the production of pleasure. God made it that way and called it a blessing (see Genesis 1:26-27, 31). There is so much more to the clitoris than the bump you see, it is far-reaching and multi-faceted — and it’s all pleasurable.

Manual clitoral stimulation is not wrong. The clitoris is the female arousal trigger and penis doesn’t contact it in normal sexual intercourse. Manually stimulate for as long as it takes. “This is a pleasant and meaningful part of love expression. It was planned this way but the Creator” (Dr. Herbert J. Miles, Sexual Happiness, p. 71).

Not only that, the entire pelvic area should be involved in the pleasure process. As you discover other erogenous areas it will be like playing a symphony of sexual interludes. All includes everything and excludes nothing. Once aroused, your senses are heightened; even a light brush of the skin can provoke chills.

7/Understand Orgasm

How do I know if I've had an orgasm? An orgasm could be described as experiencing feelings of pleasure so strong that for a few moments you are mentally in a different state and your body is acting out of pure instinct rather than within your control. The sexual tension that has been built up throughout the intimate process is involuntarily released during climax as you experience a flooding feeling of letting go.

“The number of orgasmic contractions varies, anywhere from three to fifteen on average, although Masters and Johnson observed a woman who experienced a forty-three-second orgasm consisting of more than twenty-five successive contractions” (She Comes First, p. 64). Women tend to experience six to ten contractions, while men generally have four to six (Ibid.). Masters and Johnson declared that a woman has “an infinitely greater capacity for sexual response than a man ever dreamed of."