One Reader's Intimacy Journey

Alyssa,

Through the recommendation of Sean’s sister, a few weeks before we were married we read the book, The Act of Marriage, The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim & Beverly LaHaye. I’m glad she suggested it and that we followed through and read the book together! It made the subject of sex more approachable and easier to talk about. Sex wasn’t something I particularly wanted to google, so, it was nice to be able to read a creditable book with an explanation of what actually happens. It was also good to read about sex in the context of a religious view. I knew the general mechanics of how it worked, but an in-depth view that also included how important your emotions and spiritual well-being are in the process was helpful.​

After I was engaged, one night my roommate (who was also engaged), said to me, “Ashley! Do you know what happens when you have sex?” To which I replied, “I think so???” She then proceeded to tell me that it can be a painful experience and that one of her friends who was married recently had felt like she had been raped on her wedding night and just cried and cried. I was a little appalled, as these were two things I had never thought about. Why would sex be painful? And why would I ever feel like my husband had raped me (this can be related to the good girl syndrome)? I was grateful for the warning and I later asked my mom and possibly my older sisters about it being painful. My mom said she didn’t have any issues and I don’t remember what my sisters told me. So, I didn’t think I’d have any issues with it being painful and I didn’t think I’d feel violated by having sex.

On our wedding night Sean was not able to enter my vagina. As it turned out, it WAS too painful for me, but having read beforehand and having the forethought to bring the book with us, we knew what to do so that by the end of our honeymoon he was able to enter (although, I did not climax until about a week or so later). I can’t imagine what my experience would have been like had we not known that what happened could be a possibility thanks to my roommate and reading. I don’t know what we would have done had we not had the book with us. We were able to reference it and figure out what we needed to do. I think because Sean and I had read and talked about things beforehand, it made a big difference in how we approached sex. We knew it would be a learning experience and that things would take time to figure out. So, I personally did not feel like a complete failure during that time, which I could have easily felt that way under different circumstances.

As I mentioned earlier, experiencing an orgasm took some time for me. I think that was partially due to the fact that sex was initially painful for me and I need to learn to relax. I was also grateful to know that that was normal.

Through good intentions, my mother-in-law instructed Sean before we were married that he needed to not be demanding and to make sure that I climaxed. Sean and I had also heard women talk about how they “needed to go take care of their husband.” These ideas caused issues that we eventually needed to discuss. I felt like I initiated most of our sexual encounters and in the beginning I was okay with that because I didn’t want him to think that I was “just taking care of his needs.” I wanted him to know that it was something I wanted to do, but I began to wonder if he really wanted to have sex with me. Sean didn’t want to be “demanding” or seen as a “needy” husband, which is why he rarely initiated sex. Actually the opposite was true, Sean enjoyed sex regularly but didn’t want me to think that having sex was one of the main reasons he married me. How ironic that the opposite messages were inadvertently communicated. I was questioning if he really wanted to have sex, while he was worried about me thinking that is all he wanted from me (We laughed about seeing a parallel with the story, The Gift of the Magi).

We also had to talk about me climaxing. And while this may not be the case for everyone, I needed to explain to Sean, that I was ok with not climaxing EVERY time. That there were going to be times when I was tired or just not able to emotionally go there, but that it didn’t take away from the experience, that I still enjoyed the closeness it provided, and that I wanted to help him feel sexually satisfied. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen (most often when I’m big and pregnant and not feeling particularly attractive).

To continue the thought of being sexually satisfied, Sean found this quote and further discussion about it in the book to be particularly eye opening: “Both husband and wife have sexual needs and drives that should be fulfilled in marriage” (LaHaye, 30). He truly thought that the only things you “needed” in life were air, food, water, and sleep to function properly. That you didn’t “need” to have sex. That sex would just be nice, but something extra. Classifying it as a need made it okay to want it. And just like you wouldn’t deny your spouse food or water if they needed it, you shouldn’t deny them sex (although I have stipulated that if we’re going to do it, it needs to be done before a certain time… because, you know, sleep is important too, especially when you have little children waking you up in the morning).

“Every significant physical activity in life is learned by practice; why should love making be different? Adult human beings possess the desire and necessary equipment to make love, but the art of love making is learned— it is not innate” (LaHaye,93). As much as we’d like to think sex is a natural thing and it will work itself out, it’s not. We need to talk about what feels good to us and what doesn’t. This also means not being afraid to try new things. What positions do you like? Where do you prefer to be caressed/kissed, etc.? And it’s ok if your preferences change, just don’t be afraid to speak up about it. Sex is meant to be mutually beneficial and enjoyable, so if it’s not enjoyable for you, work towards making it an enjoyable experience by communicating with your spouse.

For now, these are main things we’ve learned (and I’m sure we’ll learn more) about sexual intimacy in our marriage. Sean’s Marriage Prep Professor said, “If your doing it right, it only gets better.” And so far, it’s held true for us!

Ashley

Thanks to Ashley and Sean for being willing to share their experiences. I wanted to support her experiences and add a few comments:

1. Before your first intercourse, ask at your gynecologist for a stretcher. It's like a cone that helps your vagina not be so tight on your wedding night. I used one for only for a few minutes on couple of days before our wedding and I don't remember much pain (I bled a teeny bit), so just understand that even the first time sex is not going to be painful for everyone.

2. Dan suggested about 6 months ago that we check out books regarding intimacy; he thought sex could be improved like any other skill or ability with study and practice. We chose ones that met our moral standards and started reading them together. We found that even with a little effort, we got fabulous results!

3. Ablility to relax -- sex isn't the only thing that is better if you can relax, mothers who can relax while birthing children experience a much easier child birth. When you tense during birth it becomes more painful. Like birth, sex is also a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes worrying about pain can bring about pain. The self-fulfilling prophecy has been true for me at different points (after a yeast infection or birth for example).