Unity in Marriage -- How to Still be You

A few months into marriage I was trying to balance unity and oneness with individuality. I had embraced Spencer W. Kimball’s teaching, “Each party must eliminate the ‘I’ and the ‘my’ and substitute therefore ‘we’ and ‘our’ (oneness in marriage).” I was completely devoted – he was my best friend, my mentor, my lover, my all. I wondered though, is there space to still be me? Should I still paint? Should we spend every single evening together, or if he wanted to be part of a club was that okay? I didn’t make a conscious decision, but my actions demonstrated my thoughts. He didn’t join the club, I didn’t paint much, and he didn’t ski much. We have spent most evenings and weekends together, pursuing very little of our individual interests. Just now, five years into marriage, Heavenly Father is teaching me an important lesson. When we are strong and sure individually we are more unified.

ON MARRIAGE

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not of the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

- Kahlil Gilbran

“Husband and wife are each to be strong and sure individually. But united they stand even stronger. The synergistic power of marital oneness provides the incredible potential in marriage. Where husband and wife have unity of feeling and purpose, the environment of the relationship allows them to learn and grow, aligning themselves with their divine spirit selves. Thus, they can fill the measure of their creation and fulfill their earthly missions” (And They Were Not Ashamed, p. 157). I know this is a true principle; as we fulfill our individual stewardships, letting the winds of heaven dance between us, we are then more united and more able to fill each other’s cups.

That was the ideal -- and you probably thought "that's a great principle, thanks for sharing...but seriously what does it look like?"...I'll be sharing about what this looks like soon!

Images are of our engagement photographer whom I adore, Claire White. You can find her blog here. The fun pics are from a photoshoot featured on UtahBrideBlog (used by permission).