The Prosaic Marriage – Part 1

We talk of the grandeur of marriage in our theology. Marriage is grand, but that grandeur is made up of the prosaic – ordinary, and everyday – moments that really define what our marriage is. Unlike Hollywood's portrayal of marriage, which generally ends before real life can shape a couple’s happily ever after, real life doesn’t end with “I do.” The curtain comes up on Act II where everyday life determines the couple’s happiness. While romance is fun (and necessary), this post will focus on turning a fairy-tale wedding into a real-life marriage, made up of small moments that cultivate mature love.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell, in his elegant prose, wrote that, “Nothing is really routine…Even small acts and brief conversations count, if only incrementally, in the constant shaping of souls, in the strategic swirl of people and principles and tactical situations.” His thoughts mirror Gary Saul Morson, who explains prosaics: “Prosaics questions whether the most important events may not be the most ordinary and everyday ones…cloaked in their very ordinariness, the prosaic events that truly shape our lives – escape our notice.” These everyday moments, marital friendship, daily domestic labor, and sexual intimacy sustain our marriage from day to day. The principles come from Alan Hawkins, et. al. in an article, “The Prosaic Marriage.” With Dan spending about 3 hours a day volunteering to teach seminary (Old Testament study for the youth of our church), this advice is really timely in my life.

Principle 1: Build Friendship

Research has converged to show that “friendship, not romance” predicts stable, happy marriages. “Marital friendship is a character or virtue friendship, ‘because it is based on the friends’ recognition of each other’s good character and the shared pursuit of worthy goals…Mutual happiness is a by-product of shared commitment and teamwork rather than the primary goal.’ (Fowers) A genuine compatability of life goals, then, is a crucial foundation for forming a strong marriage…Effortless relationships are a myth. The principle of entropy operates in our social world as much as in our physical world; things get disorderly and fall apart if we don’t put energy into the system regularly. Thus, sustaining the kind of marital friendship..Fowers refer[s] to requires daily action. Regular date nights are a good idea, but even better are daily moments of reconnection in the home and staying in touch with each other’s concerns, worries, and little victories. Hence, marriage educators recommend carving out space each day for friendship, even creating daily rituals that preserve and protect the time that couples need to be best friends.”

In our schedule, Dan and I have created 30 minutes each evening to have some connection time. This is a time when we’ll talk, not about marital problems, but just talk for the purpose of reconnecting. The purpose is get to know the person we married and to simply “like” each other. I think some of our greatest moments are when we don’t only love each other in the eternal sense, but when we “like” each other; meaning we want to be together, to play a game together, to flirt with each other, or to just be friends.

“Friendship is sustained in slower time, with direct attention, in various ways. Normal time these days is fast and getting faster. If we are casual rather than intentional in our relationships, we are at risk for creating a ‘time famine’ that starves our relationships of the sustaining nourishment of friendship…A fictional marriage and a family are rescued not by a passionate love scene and an idealistic dream, but by friendship and the prosaic connections formed in the plain, ordinary work of everyday life at home…Elder Marlin K. Jensen said, ‘Nothing is more inspiring in today’s world of easily dissolved marriages than to observe a husband and wife quietly appreciating and enjoying each other’s friendship year in and year out as they experience together the blessings and trials of mortality.’ This inspiration stems, in part, from the many virtues, selflessness and generosity prime among them, which marital friendship requires. It may not equate to raging passion, but friendship definitely contributes to the marriage lasting when the infatuation fades.”